This may sound strange, but the extended wait for Palestinian leader
Yasser Arafat's impending death has me thinking about my mom's death.
In some ways, the two situations are in stark contrast. Virtually the
whole world is aware of Arafat's hospitalization and coma. Nobody was
aware of my mom's final hospitalization and coma except a few family
members, a couple of caretakers and health care professionals, people
at the cemetery and funeral homes, and the small congregation at the 5
PM mass at St. Michael's. Arafat is reportedly on life support. My mom
wasn't. Arafat's power and money are already being fought over. My mom
had none of either, and there was no controversy over what little she
did have. Arafat's coma has dragged on day after day, marked by rumors
and speculation, and by reports of a brain hemmorhage and that the coma
has deepened. My mom's coma ended in death less than 24 hours from the
morning her caretaker was unable to wake her up.
But beyond that, there are deep parallels. Nobody seems to know what
caused Arafat's condition, but they've reportedly ruled out cancer and
poison. They didn't know what the problem was with Mom, either, but
they had a few suspicions. There were decisions to be made: life
support or not? Is it too soon to make specific funeral plans? Who will
wait with the patient, and when? How do we balance family and personal
concerns - love, protectiveness, grief - with external forces of the
world's demands? Most of all, the fact of impending death was assumed,
but in the meantime there was a period of waiting, introspection and
practical arrangements to be gone through, with no clear idea when the
waiting would be over.
Here's the story that you know is coming.
It was a Sunday morning in the middle of December, 2002. I was on my
way to church when my cell phone rang. John was on the line, reporting
that Rosa had been unable to wake Mom. When the paramedics arrived,
they decided to take her to St. Joseph's Hospital because it was closer
than Tucson Medical Center. This was handy for me, because St. Joe's is
next door to St. Michael's. I actually got there before the ambulance
did. I sat there crying, as I hadn't cried in all the previous medical
emergencies. Even before I saw her on the gurney, looking shrunken and
alien, not like herself at all, I knew this was the end.
It had been a tough couple of months, in a very tough year. The
previous Christmas, she'd been depressed and hopeless at a nursing home
after a colosomy. Since then she had been in and out of two apartments,
two rehab and nursing facilities, and finally in an adult care home.
She'd stopped walking, stopped reading, stopped everything except
smoking and tv and daily visits from me. Since her birthday outing to a
Tony Bennett concert on October 6th, she'd lost considerable ground,
being only half-conscious for days or weeks at a time. On Thanksgiving
I'd watched helplessly as she repeatedly brought her empty fork to her
mouth, saying that she couldn't see the food. She'd been to a
neurologist, a psychologist, a psychiatrist and her family doctor, who
had different opinions about the right mix of drugs. The neurologist's
contribution was almost certainly a major factor in her flopping like a
rag doll in my car or her wheelchair, but she'd been catatonic at least
once before, probably as an escape from a life she no longer enjoyed or
wanted.
As I waited in an ER cubbyhole with Mom, they put her on an IV, started
tests, and asked me questions. Her breathing was slowing. Did I want
her on a respirator? I didn't know. I only knew that she wanted a DNR
(Do Nor Resusitate) order, and that she didn't want a feeding tube down
her throat, because of the way her sister Flora had spent the last
months of her life essentially choking. The doctor told me that once
she was on a respirator, it was hard to get her off it again. As I
tried to remember where I'd left the living will (at my office at work,
it turned out), I did my best to match what I remembered of her
preferences to the questions at hand. No respirator, I decided.
The doctors suspected either overmedication or a stroke in the back of
the brain. I was sure it wasn't overmedication, because we'd
discontinued the one from Dr. F. They tested anyway. Nope. Stroke,
then. It wasn't her first one. I had to push to get a straight answer
on the prognosis. No, she wasn't going to wake up, much less recover.
Yes, she was going to die, some time in the next couple of days.
I spent the rest of the morning and most of the afternoon in the ER,
except for a nervous hike over to St. Michael's to tell Father Smith
what was happening. He came by shortly thereafter. He'd already given
her last rites once, but he prayed over her again. At five I walked
back over to St. Michael's for the half hour Mass. Father Smith
dedicated the Mass to her.
Eventually I tore myself away from the hospital for the necessary tasks
that lay before me. I had to go to the office to find the living will,
and make a copy for the hospital. When I looked it over, I knew I'd
made the decisions Mom would have wanted. I finally reached my brother,
who would fly out the next day. (He actually didn't fly out until
Tuesday, and my mom's estate paid for the ticket.) I had something to
eat, and talked to a nurse on the phone. Mom had been moved to a room.
The nurse would call if death seemed imminent, but I probably had time
to sleep. Visiting hours were over anyway. I also had a paper and team
presentation due the next evening for the last class of my first
University of Phoenix course. I tried, but I couldn't concentrate on
the paper enough to improve it much. My last conversation with my mom
had been mostly me complaining about my UoP instructor.
I was back at the hospital first thing in the morning. Dr. Lorenz
(Mom's doctor and mine) advised me on the phone to skip class, but that
meant an automatic full grade reduction. I left a message for my
instructor
explaining the situation, but said I'd be in class. When I got to the
hospital room, a nurse told me it wouldn't be long. As I talked to my
stepmother on the cell about my dad's $1100 airline ticket - he'd be
arriving in Tucson during my class - a different doctor waited to talk
to me. He threatened to move my mom to hospice if she didn't hurry up
and die. Bed space was needed for people with a chance of survivial,
and hospice people were trained in pallative care. I could not believe
the gall of this guy. My mom was in a coma, and not expected to last
the morning. She didn't need pallative care - meaning painkillers. She
needed about as much further time in his precious hospital bed as a
hooker needs at the No-Tell Motel.
After that lovely conversation, I called the funeral home and the
cemetery as the Lord's Prayer blared from the hospital's public address
system. It was very surreal and upsetting. Then I rushed back into
Mom's room. I tried to look at my paper for class, but it was hopeless.
Dr. Lorenz had suggested that I talk to Mom,and give her permission to
die. I felt weird about doing this, but I did it. After a while, it was
evident that Mom was hardly breathing at all. I went into the hall and
found the nurse / P.A. "I think this is about it," I told her.
She came in and used her stethoscope. "I think you're right," she said.
We chatted for a minute or two, I forced out a few more words of love
directed at Mom, and strained to see any sign that Mom was or was not
still breathing. It was exactly like my dog Noodle's euthanasia the
year before, insofar as I could not be sure what I was seeing. I looked
to the nurse to confirm what I almost knew. My mom was dead. Sad as I
was, I was also terribly relieved. Two years of hell had just ended.
Karen
Ruth Anne Johnson tribute page
YouTube and Other Obsessions
-
Okay, I'm not really obsessed with YouTube. I'm obsessed with taking photos
and making videos. It's a lot of fun, but there are a few aspects of it
that ...
5 years ago
1 comment:
Hello :)
Hi. I lost my Mother a year ago this past week to Alzheimers and like in your case only a few people knew. I wasn't told until she had been gone for nearly 6 weeks. Long story. Anyway, I think I can realte to what you wrote. It's is a stange feeling. Please know I am so sorry for your loss, but I can understand the feelings of relief. Take care.
Always, Carly :)
Post a Comment